“Gosh I wish I kept a journal!” If I had a dollar for every time I thought
that while I was writing “Full Heart Empty Womb,” I would have made
more money that I have from my book ;). Several people encouraged me to keep a journal throughout my journey with infertility and then high-risk pregnancy.
A couple even gave me a journal to help me get started. Unfortunately, I never did consistently write about it. I didn’t want to dwell on my situation
anymore than I already did… and that was A LOT.
It really is divine the clarity I had about the emotions and events of
my near ten-year battle with Infertility.
Before I wrote, I would always sit down in prayer and ask for God’s
guidance. I would also look through old
pictures to help jog my memory. My editor
would joke about how she could tell when I was sucked back in time
because I would start to write in present tense instead of past!
So imagine my surprise when I came across a couple of
journal entries on my old laptop recently.
I am in the process of moving documents from my big old white brick
MacBook to my new sleek one. I found two
documents from 2013 that were just titled with dates. One was October 21 (the date of my pregnancy
test for my last IVF) and the other was October 27 (a week after the
test). I didn’t even remember writing
these.
When I read the raw emotions I felt, I immediately
stepped back in time and down right SOBBED.
I decided to share these because I think it is a good insight into the
complex emotions that a woman goes through during IVF… and the aftermath.
October 21
"This
is the date I have been dreaming about for 12 days now. I have plugged the date into a due
date calculator a half dozen times. June
28th, my brother in law’s birthday, would be my due date. The wait has seemed like an eternity. Time is literally crawling for me.
The
good thing about going to bed at 8:30 last night is that October 21st came
sooner. The bad part is that the day
started at 4 am for me. Two hours to do
nothing but lay in bed. I held my hands
on my stomach and talked to my sweet babies in my head. I hummed a little tune to them. Would I be able to do this tomorrow? I was still trying to convince them to stay with
me. I would be a great mommy. I would love them like no other. I would hug and kiss them all day long. I would read to them. I would teach them all about God and His
awesome love. I prayed. I begged for my babies until I cried. When my silent tears turned into sobs, Eric
woke up and held me.
At 6
am, I dried my eyes, quickly got myself ready and rushed to get breakfast on
the table for the kids before I left.
Eric came in to check on me right after I put my mascara on. I gave him the look and told him that we
could NOT have a heartfelt talk right after I just put my make up on!
My
good friend, Devon, had given me the verse to me while we
prayed together the day before my embryo transfer. Ecclesiastes 11:5: "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things." I had written it on a napkin and had held it
close to me since that day. I carefully
folded it and put it in my jeans pocket to take to have my last pregnancy test.
I was on autopilot
until I got off the interstate as I drove to Nashville Fertility Center. My chest got tighter and tighter with every
mile I drove. By the time I pulled into the
parking lot, I was sobbing. At first it
was desperate pleas for my babies. Then
when I parked, it was for the Lord to please give me strength to quiet the
tears so I could just get out of the dang car.
When I finally did, I saw a magnet of one of UT’s rivals that we had come from behind and beaten 2 days before. I laughed and
thought God had a sense of humor and was obviously a Vols fan. Silly as it sounds, that gave me the courage
to keep moving. It lightened my mood as
I snapped a picture and sent it to Eric.
It helped me not feel so alone. I
imagine he felt the same too. At that
moment, he was sitting in drop off line with the kids worrying about me.
And then a week later . . .
October 27
"This
time last week I was so full of cautious hope.
I really believed in my heart that I was pregnant.
I formulated the email I would send to my prayer partners and then chastened myself for being too confident.
Then I dreamt about being able to joyfully announce to the world
that I am pregnant on a Christmas card. It
would have pictures of Ethan, Ella and Matthew on it of course. And I was sure I would find something just
precious on Pinterest to help me announce our new addition (or additions!!) to
the family.
When
we got the kids to bed, Eric and I talked for a little bit then tried to decide
on a TV show to watch. Finally, I told
him that I just wanted to go to bed and wake up tomorrow. At 8:30, I went to bed dreaming about how
good I would feel at noon tomorrow when I finally got the voicemail that I was
pregnant.
Today…almost
a week later… I skipped church. Eric
hardly ever travels, but he is in Vegas this week.
I couldn’t stand to go to church and face the same sweet prayer partners
I have walked this painful journey with.
I had 2 choices: continue to paint on the happy face and assure everyone
that I am ok or cry and let it all out.
I was too tired to do either of those things without Eric’s hand on my
shoulder. I know that my friends want me
to feel comfortable to share all my feelings with them, but it is hard. Hard because no amount of talking can help them
understand the depths of my grief because we are in such a unique
situation. And hard because of my
pride. I don’t want to look as broken
down as I am. It is confusing. I want
people to see me as strong and reasonable like Phillipians 4: 4-5. However, I am afraid that by being that way,
it diminishes my pain in their eyes. That shouldn’t matter to me, but it does. My pain is real. It is legitimate.
I
agreed a month ago to go to a child dedication of my dear friend, Devon, for their
child they adopted from China. They are
a sweet, Christian family that we have grown so close to. I was so honored when they asked us to be a
part of it. It was a service that had
several dedications and most of them were babies. I should have been prepared, but I was caught off guard
by the wave of grief I felt sitting in the service. I looked at those sweet babies and realized
that I would never have one of them again.
The pastor spoke at the beginning and talked about how the parents’
responsibility was to teach about God’s love, teach them the Word, talk all the
time about God. I do ALL that!! I have proven I am a good, Christian mother. Why can’t I have another? No. Not
just another. The ones I had. The babies I had inside me but didn’t stay with me.
It became evident
to me tonight that I HAVE to write this book.
I have to. I went through all of
this pain the last couple of years.
There has to be a purpose. I will
not accept that. If it isn’t because I
get a chance to love my babies and raise them to love the Lord, then I have to
make good of this pain. The only way I
can do that is to try to help someone not feel alone. To know that when they walk this walk of
infertility they have to do it hand in hand with God."
It is quite emotional to read these gut wrenching words that I wrote
18 months ago and vividly remember that pain.
I am still grieving for the babies that I thought were in God’s plans
for our family. In fact, Ella has been
asking me lately for a baby sister. Oh
how it pains me. Oh sweet girl. Mommy tried so, so
hard to give you a baby sister!
But it is also so encouraging to me.
18 months ago I was at the lowest
point of my life. I have never felt so
alone or misunderstood. Yes, today I
still get sad, but I am healed. You can be at your lowest point today but
things will get better. “Cast all your
worries on Him because He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7.
And as I reflect back on the verse from Ecclesiastes that Devon gave me, I realize I clung to the wrong words. Naturally, I zoomed in on the part about a body forming in a mother's womb because I so desperately wanted a baby in my womb. However, the message for me was truly about God's work. I didn't understand how He was working in my life at the time. Now I know He was working in my life so that I could share His love and how He helped me through such a difficult time.
If you want to learn more about my journey, how I coped, and what I
learned through Infertility, please check out my book: “Full Heart Empty Womb: How I Survived Infertility … Twice.” To get your copy today, go to: www.amazon.com/dp/1503370879
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