Spesties Forever!!

Last Friday was my little miracle babies 8^th birthday.  I was able to go eat lunch with them in the school cafeteria.  They each got to choose one person to eat with at a special table.  Ella picked one of her buddies that she has had class with the last couple of years.  Elliott quickly informed me that he and Ella were “spesties.”  That would be special best friends.  I watched them giggle and tell jokes through all lunch.  It was so sweet.  Spesties Forever.

This weekend I got to enjoy time with my bestie, BFF, or what I now refer to as my spestie.  She flew all the way from New York just to spend the weekend with little ole me.  Jodi and I have been friends since we met at University of Tennessee in the late 90s.  We were both in the same sorority and became fast friends.  Little did we know then what a special friendship that God had blessed us with.  Sure we had the typical college crazy nights.  We hit band parties.  We went to see Vanilla Ice on the Strip.  (This was after he was cool and before he was into DIY)  And we enjoyed the hell out of every one of our friends' weddings together.

It wasn’t until we hit the next phase in our life that we really saw what our friendship was made of.  You know the phase….when instead of getting a wedding announcement every week, you start getting pregnancy announcements.  When I was diagnosed as being infertile, every one of those announcements was like salt in a deep, painful wound.  Jodi was always there for me.  She didn’t throw trite words at me.  She just listened to me cry.  She agreed that it sucked and wasn’t fair.  Most importantly, she prayed for me.

This weekend we pretty much chilled just the two of us with my kids.  It was a sweet time to relax and catch up.  I was thrilled that she got a chance to get to know my little miracles that she helped pray into this world.  And I loved that my kids got to know a friend that I love so much.  They got to see an example of what true friendship is all about.  We are there for each other.  We care about each other.  We make staying connected a priority. 

Today we had the afternoon to ourselves so we went to see the latest Nicholas Sparks movie “Best of Me.”  The fact that I sat through that movie shows how much I love Jodi.  I have a strict “No Crying” rule for my entertainment.  Give me action.  Give me a comedy.  I want no part of anything that is going to make me cry.  In fact if I have seen a movie that makes me cry, I will either never watch it again or I will skip the sad part all together.  I can’t tell you how many times I have watched the first VHS tape of “Titantic.”  I am perfectly happy with Jack and Rose finding love and the ship never hits that iceberg.   At one point in the movie today, I looked over at Jodi with tears falling down my cheeks and snot running out my nose and said, “This is just miserable!!”  She laughed and said, “Oh the bad part hasn’t even happened yet!”  What the hell!!??  Why do people voluntarily do this to themselves??!!!

I find it incredibly ironic that the first thing anyone says when they read part of my book is that they cried.  Me – the ultimate Anti Crier – has written a book that makes people cry.  I always apologize and am almost always assured they are good tears.  I hate that people cry but infertility is sad.  It is heartbreaking for people who are going through it.  And unfortunately because no one talks about it, infertility is also quite misunderstood.  My hope, my prayer for my book is that it not only helps those who are struggling with infertility, but that can give a glimpse of understanding to those who are not.  Perhaps through some tears there can be healing or a glimpse into someone else’s pain.

And for the record….I so called the ending of the movie.

Miracles Born- Book Excerpt

Book Excerpt from “Full Heart Empty Womb”

Coming in Early 2015

October 17 – Welcome to the World

The next morning they had me attached to the fetal monitors for awhile.  I was borderline delirious because I hadn’t had any real sleep in almost 48 hours.  I was also still in an enormous amount of pain.  Lying on my side for the monitoring was excruciating.  They were starting to talk about delivering again because the babies were not responsive.  They still had a strong heartbeat but they were lethargic….much like their mommy.

My OB came in to visit me.  She was immediately alarmed when she looked at me.  I told her about the pain.  She asked me if I minded if she checked me for dilation.  She checked me and I was four centimeters dilated.  It was finally time to have my babies.  My tears of pain and agony turned to tears of relief and happiness.

We sprung into action again.  The phone tree was activated.  My dad had just gotten on a plane to Chicago so he boarded a plane home as soon as he landed.  My sister, Amy, made plane reservations to fly down later that week.  Everyone else hopped in the car to Nashville.

Within no time at all the anesthesiologist came to administer my spinal tap.  I remember he kept trying to get me to hunch over a little more so he could get it in the right spot.  I am pretty sure I had a smart aleck reply about not being able to hunch over much more with my huge belly!

I laid back in bed and waited for them to whisk me away to the operating room.  Eric still paced the room with a crazy look in his eyes.  He had been through the emotional and physical ringer the last couple of days too.  He didn’t get much more sleep than me.  I also cannot imagine how difficult it would be to watch someone you love go through so much pain and not be able to do anything about it.

I was wheeled into the operating room with happy tears running down the sides of my face.  I had made it.  Praise the Lord for giving me the strength to get through the last eleven weeks.

There was a crowd of about 20 people in there.  There was my OB and her nurses.  The NICU staff was there with an incubator ready to transport the babies to the NICU after delivery.  I had also consented to have some nursing students come in to observe the delivery.  I guess I was a good learning case for them!

At 11:07am Ethan Brent Greer was born weighing a hefty four pounds four ounces.  One minute later Ella Bailey Greer was born weighing four pounds.  I didn’t get to hold or kiss either of them.  I got a quick look at them in the incubator. They each had a nurse who had them bagged and was helping them breathe.  And just like that they were gone to the NICU.  I said a prayer of thanksgiving and passed out for the rest of the day.

Final Thoughts

People may hear about my difficulty getting pregnant with Ethan and Ella and think I was pushing fate when we decided to go through fertility treatments.  Maybe God just didn’t want us to have babies.  After hearing about my struggles to just stay pregnant, they may think that we were still pushing something that just wasn’t meant to be.  Maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents.  It was a very bumpy road getting to here.  Aren’t most of the roads worth traveling anything but smooth?

Today Ethan and Ella are healthy, normal eight year olds.  They just started second grade.  They have already been a blessing to our lives and to so many others’ lives.  I can look at them today and see the potential that they have.  Ethan is a little math genius like his Daddy and that makes me so proud.  But it is his caring heart that brings me to my knees.  Every night he prays from his heart for several people.  I listen to his heartfelt prayers and know that he is straight from God.  He tells me he wants to be a doctor or go into the military.  How many lives will my baby save because we were brave enough to fight for his?

Ella has a love for reading like her Mama.  She is already reading on a fifth grade level.  She is always asking for five more minutes with her book before bed.  But it is her nurturing heart that brings tears to my eyes.  Since she has been in preschool she has always had at least one special needs child in her class.  Ella always gravitates to them.  She never looks at them as different.  She just wants to be their friend and help them.  She tells me that she wants to be a teacher when she grows up.  I can see her being a special education teacher like her Aunt Sharon.  How many lives will she touch because we didn’t give up on hers?  I also know without a doubt that she will be a wonderful mother.  How many more generations of children will come from us because we didn’t give up on our family?

God was at work in our very bumpy road.  He never guaranteed us or anyone a smooth road to parenthood or anything else for that matter.  This bumpy road taught me so many lessons that made me a better mom, wife, and daughter in Christ that I would never take for granted.

Photos Courtesy of Ginger Baldwin Photography

October 16, 2006 - what should have been your birthday

October 16, 2006

Dear Ethan and Ella,

I am trying so hard to stay strong for you.  I didn’t sleep a wink last night because I was in so much pain.  My nurse told me that it was her goal this shift to get me in the delivery room.  I feel so conflicted.  I am excited to finally meet you but I know that you still need more time to develop and grow.  But I am just in so much pain.   I am praying for strength.

I have a whole team of doctors that take care of me.  They have one mission – keep me pregnant for as long as they can so that you can grow.  They have hammered it into my head that every day that I stay pregnant is four less days that you will be in the NICU.  The last eleven days I have been on an IV of a drug called Magnesium Sulfate to help slow the contractions.  All the other drugs have lost their effectiveness.  I thought I was on the highest dose.  When the doctor came to see me this morning he increased my dose once again.  I will not get to meet you today and I am so sad. 

I have never cried or complained to any of my doctors or nurses the whole time I have been here.  Today I cried.  I cried because I was disappointed. I cried because I was in so much pain.  I cried because I was exhausted.  I cried because I felt guilty.  How selfish of me to want you to be born any sooner?  I begged the doctor to at least give me something to settle my stomach and help me sleep. 

Daddy didn’t even go to work today.  He didn’t want to leave my side.  I am so glad he stayed.  Unfortunately the sleep meds didn’t work on me.  Instead of making me sleep they just made me delirious.  I would nod off for a minute then jolt up and feel like I had to go to the bathroom.  By the afternoon I couldn’t even walk without his help.

Four less days in the NICU…..Four less days in the NICU…..Four less days in the NICU….

Love,

Mommy

October 15, 2006

October 15, 2006

Dear Ethan & Ella –

Today I have been in the hospital for 75 days on bed rest.  I would stay for 75 more if it meant my babies would be born healthy.  People keep asking me how I am doing this and I don’t understand.  A mom would stand on her head for a hundred days if it meant she would help her babies.  And that is what you are making me….a mom.  I am finally going to be a mommy after years of waiting and I can’t wait!

You have been trying to speed up your arrival for the last few months.  Thank God for the doctors who caught my contractions at my regular appointment.  I never even felt them.  What would have happened if my appointment were even a day later?  They have never stopped but the doctors have slowed them down so you have time to grow and develop.  I can’t even really think about what would have happened if they hadn’t caught it and gotten them under control.  I thank God for watching over us.  Do you know that you literally have hundreds of people who are praying for you?  Their prayers are what are giving me the strength to make it another day.

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me.  I have gotten more and more uncomfortable.  I can only lie on my left and right side and that gets old 24 hours a day.  But I will do it as long as I can!  I made it to the 32-week mark and now we are aiming for 34-weeks.  It is funny I have had the same nurses the whole time I am here.  They are now getting to the point of being surprised that I am still here after they come back from their days off.  “You haven’t had those babies yet??!!”  We are hanging tough and they are all cheering for me.

Your Nana and Papa came and visited with us on their way home from Knoxville today.  My back started to hurt more and more throughout the day.  It was a really tough night.  I feel like it was one giant contraction that never lets up.  It is a constant contraction.  I am in so much pain that I have actually thrown up a few times.  Your Daddy is starting to look a little freaked out and that is not easy to do! 

I keep chanting in my head “every day in my belly is four less for you in the NICU.”  I am hanging on the best I can, babies.

Love, 

Mommy