I love living in Tennessee.
I love the mountains. I love the
valleys. I love the lakes. Of course I love the football. I love enjoying four glorious seasons each
year. I love feeling the changes in
seasons. I love to feel the warm sunshine
on my face after a long, cold Winter. My
favorite smell is the crisp Fall air after a sweltering Summer.
In life we go through a lot of seasons. The change in seasons in life isn’t always as
pleasant. This week I had a change in
seasons. The last eight years my season
has been one of a mother who spent the majority of her day caring for and
nurturing my three children. This week,
my youngest son, Matthew, started Kindergarten.
Sure my primary role will still be their caregiver. However, the majority of our days we will be
apart.
Last year when I thought about the day Matthew started
Kindergarten, I wondered if I would be walking him in with his new baby sister
or brother or would I need a double stroller for twins. Today I walked my baby….my last baby….into
Kindergarten and walked out alone. The
season of having my babies home with me is over. There is no sunshine on my face or crisp
smell that cheers me up. I am sad and
quite honestly lonely.
I have a choice I can make.
I can refuse to leave this season and take things into my own
hands. I could go through IVF again and possibly get pregnant again. Or there are lots of babies that need a good
home. Maybe I could adopt? But let’s be honest. That baby would grow up and go to
Kindergarten and this season would finally end.
If I could have my way, I would probably have a baby every five years
until Eric finally cut me off!
I could just be bitter about it. I could be angry. I could cry.
A lot. Why won’t God let me have
the children I thought I would? I had
four embryos. Couldn’t one of them have worked? Why did He take away any remote chance for me
to able to conceive when I had my surgery last year?
I have a confession to make.
I flirted with the first choice.
I camped out on the second choice for a good while too. Then when I finished shaking my fist and
yelling at God, I took a breath and I listened to God. The change in seasons in life can be tough.
Sometimes down right scary. We
can refuse to accept it. We can be
pissed off about it. But here’s the
deal, IT DOESN’T CHANGE A THING.
Here is the choice that I made. I chose to focus on the
three beautiful, healthy children that God blessed me with. I chose to be thankful for the amazing
supportive husband that is in my life and make up for all the romance that
infertility stole from our marriage. I
chose to continue to teach in a preschool so that I can share the abundant love
that I have for children. I chose to
share my story…no matter how hard or private…because I know that there are
women who are suffering alone. I chose
to praise God for the blessings and heartache.
The heartache helps me to remember to focus on all of the blessings that
I do have. The heartache helps me relate
to other people. The heartache makes me
stronger so I can weather the next season.
I love your honesty...especially the part about being lonely. Warning: do not look through his pre-K memory book! :-) Keep up the awesome writing...go, Steph, go!
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