A Year Ago....

In addition to being a writer, wife, and finally mother, I am also a preschool teacher.  Today was my first day back to school after a long summer off.  I was so excited to go back to see all the teachers that I love so much at WBWP.  A couple of these amazing ladies knew about my struggles, but the majority of them did not.  During 2013 Eric and I went through our second round of fertility treatments.  It was an incredibly rough time.  It was both physically and emotionally draining.  I went through two embryo transfers and had surgery all within a few months.  We went through all of this and most of the people in our lives had no clue any of it was going on.

I wrote "A Year Ago," through hiccups and tears as I was working through all my emotions.  I have a lot of painful memories from last year, but I was also able to see a lot of good.  God put people in my life to help me when I needed it most.  I shared this poem today with my fellow teachers.  I wanted them to know how grateful I was that they were there for me without even knowing it.  I also thought it was a good reminder that we never know what someone is going through in their lives.  A person may look to be perfectly put together but is just crumbling beneath the surface.  A warm smile, a kind word may be just what they need to get through the day.  Don't let that moment pass you by.

A Year Ago

A year ago….. I was going through my last invitro fertilization with my last 2 precious frozen embryos.

A year ago…I was recovering from a surgery to remove my fallopian tubes that was hopefully going to help heal my body so I could sustain a pregnancy.

A year ago….I was struggling just to keep up with life with 3 small kids.  I plastered on a tight-lipped smile as I stood at the meet the teacher social at Ethan & Ella’s school.  I was in so much pain by the time I got home that I went straight to bed and stayed there until morning.

A year ago….I was in CPR class with Kelly at in service at WBWP.  We were about to do the Heimlich maneuver and I had to quickly tell her that she couldn’t do it on me because I just had surgery.  God took the choice about keeping my struggles to myself out of my hands.  I am so thankful He did.

A year ago….I sat in Windy’s office and cried with her because I wanted my babies so bad.  God comforted me through Windy’s embrace and the prayers I knew she said for me.

A year ago….I had a lot of bad days, but you, ladies of WBWP, smiled at me in the hall, made me laugh and helped me forget about the bad stuff and remember all the wonderful stuff God has blessed me with.

A year ago….I thought about Matthew’s first day of Kindergarten in 2014 and my only thought was will I have a baby in a Baby Bjorn or will I have twins in a stroller with me?

A year ago God told me that I would not have any more children.  My embryos that I had loved….named …had seen grow up in my mind’s eye…Who would look like??? Ethan, Ella or Matthew????What combination of all of us would they be???   Well I will never see them this side of Heaven.

A year ago I grieved the babies that I thought God had planned for me and would never be.

Today I walked my last baby, Matthew, to Kindergarten.

Today I mourned my last baby growing into a big boy.

Today I watched his confidence and excitement as he walked through the doors of his new elementary school.  You, ladies of WBWP, helped him have that confidence and love for learning.

Today I am thankful that I get to go to work with a group of ladies that I know will love and pray for me.

Today I am thankful that I get the honor and privilege to love on babies.  They may have not come from my womb but God put them in my heart.