Flashback to the Last IVF

“Gosh I wish I kept a journal!”  If I had a dollar for every time I thought that while I was writing “Full Heart Empty Womb,” I would have made more money that I have from my book ;).  Several people encouraged me to keep a journal throughout my journey with infertility and then high-risk pregnancy.  A couple even gave me a journal to help me get started.  Unfortunately, I never did consistently write about it.  I didn’t want to dwell on my situation anymore than I already did… and that was A LOT.  

It really is divine the clarity I had about the emotions and events of my near ten-year battle with Infertility.  Before I wrote, I would always sit down in prayer and ask for God’s guidance.  I would also look through old pictures to help jog my memory.  My editor would joke about how she could tell when I was sucked back in time because I would start to write in present tense instead of past!

So imagine my surprise when I came across a couple of journal entries on my old laptop recently.  I am in the process of moving documents from my big old white brick MacBook to my new sleek one.  I found two documents from 2013 that were just titled with dates.  One was October 21 (the date of my pregnancy test for my last IVF) and the other was October 27 (a week after the test).  I didn’t even remember writing these. 

When I read the raw emotions I felt, I immediately stepped back in time and down right SOBBED.  I decided to share these because I think it is a good insight into the complex emotions that a woman goes through during IVF… and the aftermath.

October 21

"This is the date I have been dreaming about for 12 days now.  I have plugged the date into a due date calculator a half dozen times.  June 28th, my brother in law’s birthday, would be my due date.  The wait has seemed like an eternity.  Time is literally crawling for me. 

The good thing about going to bed at 8:30 last night is that October 21st came sooner.  The bad part is that the day started at 4 am for me.  Two hours to do nothing but lay in bed.  I held my hands on my stomach and talked to my sweet babies in my head.  I hummed a little tune to them.  Would I be able to do this tomorrow?  I was still trying to convince them to stay with me.  I would be a great mommy.  I would love them like no other.  I would hug and kiss them all day long.  I would read to them.  I would teach them all about God and His awesome love.  I prayed.  I begged for my babies until I cried.  When my silent tears turned into sobs, Eric woke up and held me.

At 6 am, I dried my eyes, quickly got myself ready and rushed to get breakfast on the table for the kids before I left.  Eric came in to check on me right after I put my mascara on.  I gave him the look and told him that we could NOT have a heartfelt talk right after I just put my make up on! 

My good friend, Devon, had given me the verse to me while we prayed together the day before my embryo transfer.  Ecclesiastes 11:5:  "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things."  I had written it on a napkin and had held it close to me since that day.  I carefully folded it and put it in my jeans pocket to take to have my last pregnancy test.

I was on autopilot until I got off the interstate as I drove to Nashville Fertility Center.  My chest got tighter and tighter with every mile I drove.  By the time I pulled into the parking lot, I was sobbing.  At first it was desperate pleas for my babies.  Then when I parked, it was for the Lord to please give me strength to quiet the tears so I could just get out of the dang car.  When I finally did, I saw a magnet of one of UT’s rivals that we had come from behind and beaten 2 days before.  I laughed and thought God had a sense of humor and was obviously a Vols fan.  Silly as it sounds, that gave me the courage to keep moving.  It lightened my mood as I snapped a picture and sent it to Eric.  It helped me not feel so alone.  I imagine he felt the same too.  At that moment, he was sitting in drop off line with the kids worrying about me.

I took a deep breath and went in to have my blood test.  Now the waiting begins.  It will either be the best day of my life or the worst."

And then a week later . . .

October 27

"This time last week I was so full of cautious hope.  I really believed in my heart that I was pregnant.  I formulated the email I would send to my prayer partners and then chastened myself for being too confident.  Then I dreamt about being able to joyfully announce to the world that I am pregnant on a Christmas card.  It would have pictures of Ethan, Ella and Matthew on it of course.  And I was sure I would find something just precious on Pinterest to help me announce our new addition (or additions!!) to the family.

When we got the kids to bed, Eric and I talked for a little bit then tried to decide on a TV show to watch.  Finally, I told him that I just wanted to go to bed and wake up tomorrow.  At 8:30, I went to bed dreaming about how good I would feel at noon tomorrow when I finally got the voicemail that I was pregnant.

Today…almost a week later… I skipped church.  Eric hardly ever travels, but he is in Vegas this week.  I couldn’t stand to go to church and face the same sweet prayer partners I have walked this painful journey with.  I had 2 choices: continue to paint on the happy face and assure everyone that I am ok or cry and let it all out.  I was too tired to do either of those things without Eric’s hand on my shoulder.  I know that my friends want me to feel comfortable to share all my feelings with them, but it is hard.  Hard because no amount of talking can help them understand the depths of my grief because we are in such a unique situation.  And hard because of my pride.  I don’t want to look as broken down as I am.  It is confusing. I want people to see me as strong and reasonable like Phillipians 4: 4-5.  However, I am afraid that by being that way, it diminishes my pain in their eyes.  That shouldn’t matter to me, but it does.  My pain is real.  It is legitimate.

I agreed a month ago to go to a child dedication of my dear friend, Devon, for their child they adopted from China.  They are a sweet, Christian family that we have grown so close to.  I was so honored when they asked us to be a part of it.  It was a service that had several dedications and most of them were babies.  I should have been prepared, but I was caught off guard by the wave of grief I felt sitting in the service.  I looked at those sweet babies and realized that I would never have one of them again.  The pastor spoke at the beginning and talked about how the parents’ responsibility was to teach about God’s love, teach them the Word, talk all the time about God.  I do ALL that!!  I have proven I am a good, Christian mother.  Why can’t I have another?  No.  Not just another.  The ones I had.  The babies I had inside me but didn’t stay with me.

It became evident to me tonight that I HAVE to write this book.  I have to.  I went through all of this pain the last couple of years.  There has to be a purpose.  I will not accept that.  If it isn’t because I get a chance to love my babies and raise them to love the Lord, then I have to make good of this pain.  The only way I can do that is to try to help someone not feel alone.  To know that when they walk this walk of infertility they have to do it hand in hand with God."

It is quite emotional to read these gut wrenching words that I wrote 18 months ago and vividly remember that pain.  I am still grieving for the babies that I thought were in God’s plans for our family.  In fact, Ella has been asking me lately for a baby sister.  Oh how it pains me.  Oh sweet girl.  Mommy tried so, so hard to give you a baby sister!

But it is also so encouraging to me.  18 months ago I was at the lowest point of my life.  I have never felt so alone or misunderstood.  Yes, today I still get sad, but I am healed.  You can be at your lowest point today but things will get better.  “Cast all your worries on Him because He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7.  

And as I reflect back on the verse from Ecclesiastes that Devon gave me, I realize I clung to the wrong words.  Naturally, I zoomed in on the part about a body forming in a mother's womb because I so desperately wanted a baby in my womb.  However, the message for me was truly about God's work.  I didn't understand how He was working in my life at the time. Now I know He was working in my life so that I could share His love and how He helped me through such a difficult time.

If you want to learn more about my journey, how I coped, and what I learned through Infertility, please check out my book:  “Full Heart Empty Womb:  How I Survived Infertility … Twice.”  To get your copy today, go to: www.amazon.com/dp/1503370879

Good Friday '06 - Book Excerpt

We just got home from a white knuckled drive home from church.  Matthew had been asking a lot of probing questions about Jesus and becoming a Christian, so I really did not want to miss a chance to take him to see the Stations of the Cross that our church was having tonight.  The rain was coming down hard.  The kids were shouting over the rain so they could be heard.  Heaven forbid we ride in silence.

My phone pinged with texts the whole time I was driving.  Eric wanted to know where I was.  My sister wanted to make sure we were safe.  And then I saw a text from one of my sweet friends.  She is 11 weeks pregnant and has been cramping all day.  She sent a text to our little group of prayer warriors to pray over her and her baby.  She has had several miscarriages and a high-risk pregnancy, so she is obviously and understandably quite shaken.  I was immediately taken back to my own scare on Good Friday in 2006 …

“A couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant I had a business trip to Cincinnati scheduled for a regional sales meeting.  It was the first time I had traveled since my IVF.  I couldn’t give myself the Intramuscular shots and had needed Eric to administer them to me each night.  By this time they had switched the progesterone I was getting nightly from a shot to a suppository.  I was excited to get to see some of my dear friends from work.  Eric left town as well to go audit a company in Dallas, Texas.

The industry I worked in was very male dominated. There were 23 of us in my sales region, and I was the only female.  I was blessed to work with a great group of guys.  I only confided in a couple of the guys, Mark and Andy, with whom I had a close friendship, that I was pregnant.  They were so excited for Eric and me to have the family we so desperately wanted to have.

One night the entire team went to dinner at a restaurant across from our hotel.  During dinner I felt some odd cramps that lasted a few minutes then went away.  Immediately it was like all the conversation in the background was 100 miles away.  I sat in my seat frozen and thought, “No. No. No. No!!!!!!!!!!!!”  It happened again.  It took everything in me to not burst into tears and run away.  I calmly excused myself and rushed to the ladies room.  As soon as I sat down, blood gushed from my body.  When I looked down I saw a pool of blood and a big clot in the middle.  “NO!!!!!!!!!!”  I stared at the clot and thought, “No God. Please don’t let that be my baby!”

I quickly pulled myself together.  I sailed by the table and told everyone I was feeling under the weather and rushed back to my hotel room.   I felt another cramp and ran straight to the bathroom.  Again blood gushed from my body and another clot came out.  I panicked and called Eric.  I was absolutely hysterical.  We couldn’t lose our baby after all this!  It took a few minutes for him to even be able to understand what I was saying through all the tears and hiccups.  He calmed me down and reminded me that my friend, Christy, had experienced bleeding in her pregnancy and that I should call her.

Christy was such a blessing to me.  She was also a nurse and she was able to calm me down and get me to think rationally.  She had me lie down and take deep breaths.  She then encouraged me to call my doctor’s after-hours number.

One of the on-call doctors called me back immediately.  He was so calm and caring with me and I was so grateful.  He had my chart and was able to look at my beta numbers.  The doctor told me they couldn’t really be sure what happened until I had an ultrasound.  He thought that because my beta numbers were so high that if I had indeed had a miscarriage, maybe it was one of the twins.  I got an appointment for ten o’clock the next morning for an ultrasound.

That night was the longest of my life.  Eric frantically tried to get on the earliest flight back to Nashville.  I quickly gathered all my things and drove from Cincinnati to my parents’ house in Louisville, Kentucky.  I barely remember the two-hour drive.  God again watched over me as I drove through my tears.  I cried on the phone to Eric and my friend, Kristen.  The only prayer I could even get out was, “Please, Lord, please.”

When I finally got to my parents’ house, my parents were waiting for me.  I will never forget the tears and hugs that met me.  I looked at their faces and saw broken hearts too.  Their hearts broke for their baby and the grandbaby they were so excited to finally have. 

My mom laid in bed with me that night and prayed with me.  She wrote down a scripture to encourage me.  The scripture was Psalm 147:13.  “For He strengthens the bars of your gates; He blesses your children within you.”  I kept that scripture next to me and prayed it continually.  That note is still in my Bible today.  A calm came over me.  I had so many people who were praying for me that night that I know it gave me the peace I needed.  I was finally able to pray something more.  I prayed, “Lord, please look after my babies.  Please put them where it is best for them to be.  Whether it is here with us or in Heaven with You.  And please help us be at peace with that.” If they weren’t in my arms, they would be in His.  My tears slowed down and I fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning my parents drove me the rest of the way to Nashville as I laid down in the passenger seat.  My mom and I talked on the way.  She said, “Stephanie, you know that God is in control but that doesn’t mean that the Devil doesn’t intervene to try to hurt you.” I pondered that a minute and then said, “Well then the joke is on him because I have prayed more than ever and turned to God during this time!”

Eric got on an early flight.  I got to Nashville Fertility Center (NFC) before Eric.  I was already back in the ultrasound room before he got there.  He came back a few minutes before I had my ultrasound.  We clung to each other and cried all the tears that we missed the night before.  We gripped each other’s hands and prayed with all our might for God’s protection over our baby.

Dr. Whitworth came in and did our ultrasound herself.  I laid back with tears streaming down the sides of my face as I gripped Eric’s hand.  I prayed Psalm 147:13 in my head over and over as she moved the wand to try to find a baby.

And then she did.  She found a baby with a heartbeat!  Then she found another baby with a heartbeat!  And then she found a sub chorionic hemorrhage (SCH) that was right next to my cervix.  It was also right next to one of the babies and was twice the size of it!

I dressed and we met with Dr. Whitworth to discuss the ultrasound.  We were so excited.  We had not only one, but two babies with heartbeats!  They were alive!!  However, we were anxious to hear about the SCH.  It looked like a huge blob that was ready to gobble up my babies and I was scared.

Dr. Whitworth told me that I had to take it easy and let it heal.  It could take a couple of weeks or months.  With time, hopefully the clot would heal and be absorbed into my uterus.  I would go home on bed rest and come back the following week for another ultrasound.  She also switched me back to taking progesterone via an IM shot until the end of my first trimester.

Another long week of bed rest and lots of prayers.  I took my doctor’s orders very seriously.  I stayed in bed except to shower, potty, and throw up.  Yes, my morning sickness finally reared its ugly head!  I still cramped and spotted some, but it gradually lessened.

When I went back for my follow up ultrasound, we saw that the babies had grown to twice their size!  The SCH was still there, but it was getting smaller.  It was still way too close to Twin A.  I went home and did the same thing again, hopeful for better news the next week.  By the end of two weeks the SCH had been completely absorbed by my uterus!

We were so grateful.  Finally I felt like I could enjoy being pregnant.  I also let myself really think about and revel in the fact that we were going to have twins!  I had been hesitant to think about it too much before because I was so scared that we were going to lose one of them.  People ask me all the time what I thought when I found out that we were having twins.  I felt nothing but absolute, pure joy."

And to think that this was just the first bump in the road for us during my pregnancy !  Not to mention the years of bumps just to get pregnant.  To learn more about how I survived infertility twice, go to:   www.amazon.com/dp/1503370879

Please take a moment to say a prayer for my friend to calm her anxious heart and for her baby to be healthy.