Book Update

It was a cold, rainy Sunday here in Tennessee.  The kind of day where you shed your church clothes as soon as you get home in favor of comfy clothes.  I put on my 20 year old well worn, well loved University of Tennessee sweatshirt, yoga pants and big, thick socks.  Now I just had to curl up on the couch and publish a good book :)

Well not quite publish yet, but I am a heck of a lot closer!  I finished writing Full Heart Empty Womb about a month ago.  There has been a lot that I had to do before I could start the publishing process.  In the book I mention by name my OB and my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist aka infertility doc).  Of course I had to share with them the book and get their permission before I moved forward.  My OB, Dr. Mary Anne Blake, we just so flattered that I included her.  This week I got the blessing from my RE, Dr. Christine Whitworth, of Nashville Fertility Center.  

I have decided to self publish.  I will publish a paperback book and ebook that will be available exclusively through amazon.com.  The decision to self publish was an easy one for me.  This book is my blood, sweat and tears.  It is quite literally my life.  I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but I have a very clear picture in my head of exactly how this book was going to be. 

One of the many things I love about doing this on my own is that I get to make make my creative team.  My friend, Rachael, contacted me as soon as she heard I was writing this book.  She walked part of this journey with me, so she wanted help edit it.  She did such a great job cleaning me up and making me look like a real writer.   I have a good friend, Ginger, that takes the most amazing pictures.  I had her take family pictures this Fall for us.  I also had her take the picture that I used for the book cover.  I had a very specific idea for a cover.  I wanted it to be our hands.  It turned out beautiful.  I was then able to give the picture to my friend, Ashley, who happens to be a freelance graphic designer.  Ashley is creating my book covers for both book formats.  Here is a sneak peak:

So today I spent the afternoon in my comfy clothes doing the very un-fun job of typesetting my book for the paperback.  Talk about tedious!!!  But it is exciting because THIS REALLY IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!  I have my ISBN and everything people!  I don't have an exact publish date, but I am aiming for mid December.  Stay Tuned!!

Happy Holidays????

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this time of year.  As soon as the Halloween decorations are put up, I am ready to load my Christmas playlist on my iPhone.  I have so much Christmas music that I could play it constantly for a week and never listen to a song twice.  Don’t tell Eric, but I completely plan on putting out all my Christmas decorations next week while he is at work.  (We aren’t celebrating Thanksgiving at our house, so technically I am not “skipping a holiday” like he likes to claim ;)  Each night after we put the kids to bed, we watch cheesy Christmas movies on Hallmark or Lifetime.  I could never get Eric to watch a Lifetime movie any other time of the year.   It is the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Full of happiness, cheer and all that jazz….

It wasn’t until I was struggling with infertility that the “most wonderful time of the year” turned into the worst.  It was a time when I would want to go to bed and wake up after the New Year.   Why is that, you wonder??  Similar to how someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, people who are infertile are grieving the child that they want desperately in their life.  If you are blessed enough to not have even had to deal with infertility, then hopefully this will help you have some insight into how hard the holidays are for infertile people.  Hopefully, it will help you be a bit more sensitive to their very real, raw feelings.

Thanksgiving.  A time when you, hopefully, are able to sit around the table with your family.  It is a day that you can focus on all the many blessings that you have in your life.  But what if the one thing that you desire most is out of your reach?  What if you are at the adult table staring at the kid table wondering, “When is it my turn?”  Ironically, the main topic of conversation at said adult table is….kids.  What can you add to the conversation?  The failed cycles?  The horrible side effects from the evil fertility drugs?  The nights you spend crying yourself to sleep?  Sure.  Go ahead and put on that “Hello My Name is:  WET BLANKET” sticker on your shirt!  There will be updates on friends and family.  Judy is pregnant.  Susie just had a baby.  And Lisa just had her 5^th baby!!  Each one is like a dagger to your aching heart.  You may even hear one of your family members saying how thankful they are to be able to send their kids to another table so they can have some peace and quiet.  (Believe me as a mother of three now…I GET IT!! But it still hurts to hear.)  Your heart breaks because you would give anything to have every second of your day consumed with a precious child. Do they realize what a blessing they have?  You try hard to focus on the blessings you have in your life.  However, the hole in your heart that only a child can fill feels so hollow today.  Will it be filled by next Thanksgiving?

Christmas.  Last year it started before the holiday.  I was ordering my Christmas cards.  I had it all planned out.  The cute Christmas card with a clever pregnancy announcement all in one.  It was going to be so precious.  But things didn’t go according to my plan.  After nearly a year of fertility treatments, there was no announcement to be made.  I just had a broken heart that no one even knew about.

As much as this holiday should be focused on Jesus’ birth, it is still very much centered around Santa and children.  I am blessed to have a close knit family and love to be around them.  I am proud to call myself Aunt Teppie to six nieces and nephews.  As much as I love them, it wasn’t always easy to be around them.  I would spend all day with my game face on.  My smile plastered on my face and ready to play.  I would fight the thoughts about wishing I had one of my own.  I would smile and give a trite answer when asked when Eric and I were going to have one of our own.  “Our kids are going to be so far apart in age that they won’t be close!!”  “I’m trying the best I can!!”  I would scream in my head as I smiled and shrugged.

At night, I would be exhausted from playing the happy Aunt Teppie all day.  I was emotionally drained.  How long would I just be Aunt Teppie?  When would it be my turn to be Mommy?  I wanted to be up late at night wrapping baby dolls and toy cars.  I wanted to have silly fights with Eric about how to put together the $@$% play kitchen.  I wanted to have my baby on my knee reading “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” for the umpteenth time.  Would it be different next Christmas?  Last Christmas I was sure I would have a baby by now.  Will it ever happen?

Oh then New Years.  Did I even want to reflect on the last year?  Failed cycle after failed cycle.  Ups and downs.  Waiting for test results. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for an appointment.  Waiting for another cycle.  Hadn’t I wished away the better part of the last year?  Would next year be any different?   

Now, however, New Year’s also gives me a bit of hope.  When I think back two years ago to New Year’s, Eric and I were energized.  We were about to start fertility treatments with our frozen embryos affectionately called our “totsicles.”  We couldn’t wait to see what God had in store for us because in our mind it meant a baby or even babies!!  Unfortunately, instead of a baby it was a year of pain and sadness.  By the time New Year’s rolled around, we were ready to throw a party to declare “So long 2012.  Don’t let the door hit you in the….” 

Now a year later I am getting ready to publish my first book about my journey and what I learned along the way.  I hope and pray that it helps others that are on the journey of infertility.  I feel that same energy I felt a couple of years ago but about a completely different journey.  God did have a plan for me.  I never in a million years would have dreamed two years ago that this was His plan for me.  So my message for you is to stay strong.  When you go to bed feeling emotionally drained, pray.  Pray for strength.  Pray for patience.  Pray for clarity about all the choices you are faced with every day.  God loves you and hears you.  He will give you the strength that you need.

You may not find out what the plan is for you and your family for a few months or even year but there is a plan for you.  You may be celebrating New Year’s in a year or two and have a better reality than you could have ever dreamed of….

Spesties Forever!!

Last Friday was my little miracle babies 8^th birthday.  I was able to go eat lunch with them in the school cafeteria.  They each got to choose one person to eat with at a special table.  Ella picked one of her buddies that she has had class with the last couple of years.  Elliott quickly informed me that he and Ella were “spesties.”  That would be special best friends.  I watched them giggle and tell jokes through all lunch.  It was so sweet.  Spesties Forever.

This weekend I got to enjoy time with my bestie, BFF, or what I now refer to as my spestie.  She flew all the way from New York just to spend the weekend with little ole me.  Jodi and I have been friends since we met at University of Tennessee in the late 90s.  We were both in the same sorority and became fast friends.  Little did we know then what a special friendship that God had blessed us with.  Sure we had the typical college crazy nights.  We hit band parties.  We went to see Vanilla Ice on the Strip.  (This was after he was cool and before he was into DIY)  And we enjoyed the hell out of every one of our friends' weddings together.

It wasn’t until we hit the next phase in our life that we really saw what our friendship was made of.  You know the phase….when instead of getting a wedding announcement every week, you start getting pregnancy announcements.  When I was diagnosed as being infertile, every one of those announcements was like salt in a deep, painful wound.  Jodi was always there for me.  She didn’t throw trite words at me.  She just listened to me cry.  She agreed that it sucked and wasn’t fair.  Most importantly, she prayed for me.

This weekend we pretty much chilled just the two of us with my kids.  It was a sweet time to relax and catch up.  I was thrilled that she got a chance to get to know my little miracles that she helped pray into this world.  And I loved that my kids got to know a friend that I love so much.  They got to see an example of what true friendship is all about.  We are there for each other.  We care about each other.  We make staying connected a priority. 

Today we had the afternoon to ourselves so we went to see the latest Nicholas Sparks movie “Best of Me.”  The fact that I sat through that movie shows how much I love Jodi.  I have a strict “No Crying” rule for my entertainment.  Give me action.  Give me a comedy.  I want no part of anything that is going to make me cry.  In fact if I have seen a movie that makes me cry, I will either never watch it again or I will skip the sad part all together.  I can’t tell you how many times I have watched the first VHS tape of “Titantic.”  I am perfectly happy with Jack and Rose finding love and the ship never hits that iceberg.   At one point in the movie today, I looked over at Jodi with tears falling down my cheeks and snot running out my nose and said, “This is just miserable!!”  She laughed and said, “Oh the bad part hasn’t even happened yet!”  What the hell!!??  Why do people voluntarily do this to themselves??!!!

I find it incredibly ironic that the first thing anyone says when they read part of my book is that they cried.  Me – the ultimate Anti Crier – has written a book that makes people cry.  I always apologize and am almost always assured they are good tears.  I hate that people cry but infertility is sad.  It is heartbreaking for people who are going through it.  And unfortunately because no one talks about it, infertility is also quite misunderstood.  My hope, my prayer for my book is that it not only helps those who are struggling with infertility, but that can give a glimpse of understanding to those who are not.  Perhaps through some tears there can be healing or a glimpse into someone else’s pain.

And for the record….I so called the ending of the movie.

Miracles Born- Book Excerpt

Book Excerpt from “Full Heart Empty Womb”

Coming in Early 2015

October 17 – Welcome to the World

The next morning they had me attached to the fetal monitors for awhile.  I was borderline delirious because I hadn’t had any real sleep in almost 48 hours.  I was also still in an enormous amount of pain.  Lying on my side for the monitoring was excruciating.  They were starting to talk about delivering again because the babies were not responsive.  They still had a strong heartbeat but they were lethargic….much like their mommy.

My OB came in to visit me.  She was immediately alarmed when she looked at me.  I told her about the pain.  She asked me if I minded if she checked me for dilation.  She checked me and I was four centimeters dilated.  It was finally time to have my babies.  My tears of pain and agony turned to tears of relief and happiness.

We sprung into action again.  The phone tree was activated.  My dad had just gotten on a plane to Chicago so he boarded a plane home as soon as he landed.  My sister, Amy, made plane reservations to fly down later that week.  Everyone else hopped in the car to Nashville.

Within no time at all the anesthesiologist came to administer my spinal tap.  I remember he kept trying to get me to hunch over a little more so he could get it in the right spot.  I am pretty sure I had a smart aleck reply about not being able to hunch over much more with my huge belly!

I laid back in bed and waited for them to whisk me away to the operating room.  Eric still paced the room with a crazy look in his eyes.  He had been through the emotional and physical ringer the last couple of days too.  He didn’t get much more sleep than me.  I also cannot imagine how difficult it would be to watch someone you love go through so much pain and not be able to do anything about it.

I was wheeled into the operating room with happy tears running down the sides of my face.  I had made it.  Praise the Lord for giving me the strength to get through the last eleven weeks.

There was a crowd of about 20 people in there.  There was my OB and her nurses.  The NICU staff was there with an incubator ready to transport the babies to the NICU after delivery.  I had also consented to have some nursing students come in to observe the delivery.  I guess I was a good learning case for them!

At 11:07am Ethan Brent Greer was born weighing a hefty four pounds four ounces.  One minute later Ella Bailey Greer was born weighing four pounds.  I didn’t get to hold or kiss either of them.  I got a quick look at them in the incubator. They each had a nurse who had them bagged and was helping them breathe.  And just like that they were gone to the NICU.  I said a prayer of thanksgiving and passed out for the rest of the day.

Final Thoughts

People may hear about my difficulty getting pregnant with Ethan and Ella and think I was pushing fate when we decided to go through fertility treatments.  Maybe God just didn’t want us to have babies.  After hearing about my struggles to just stay pregnant, they may think that we were still pushing something that just wasn’t meant to be.  Maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents.  It was a very bumpy road getting to here.  Aren’t most of the roads worth traveling anything but smooth?

Today Ethan and Ella are healthy, normal eight year olds.  They just started second grade.  They have already been a blessing to our lives and to so many others’ lives.  I can look at them today and see the potential that they have.  Ethan is a little math genius like his Daddy and that makes me so proud.  But it is his caring heart that brings me to my knees.  Every night he prays from his heart for several people.  I listen to his heartfelt prayers and know that he is straight from God.  He tells me he wants to be a doctor or go into the military.  How many lives will my baby save because we were brave enough to fight for his?

Ella has a love for reading like her Mama.  She is already reading on a fifth grade level.  She is always asking for five more minutes with her book before bed.  But it is her nurturing heart that brings tears to my eyes.  Since she has been in preschool she has always had at least one special needs child in her class.  Ella always gravitates to them.  She never looks at them as different.  She just wants to be their friend and help them.  She tells me that she wants to be a teacher when she grows up.  I can see her being a special education teacher like her Aunt Sharon.  How many lives will she touch because we didn’t give up on hers?  I also know without a doubt that she will be a wonderful mother.  How many more generations of children will come from us because we didn’t give up on our family?

God was at work in our very bumpy road.  He never guaranteed us or anyone a smooth road to parenthood or anything else for that matter.  This bumpy road taught me so many lessons that made me a better mom, wife, and daughter in Christ that I would never take for granted.

Photos Courtesy of Ginger Baldwin Photography

October 16, 2006 - what should have been your birthday

October 16, 2006

Dear Ethan and Ella,

I am trying so hard to stay strong for you.  I didn’t sleep a wink last night because I was in so much pain.  My nurse told me that it was her goal this shift to get me in the delivery room.  I feel so conflicted.  I am excited to finally meet you but I know that you still need more time to develop and grow.  But I am just in so much pain.   I am praying for strength.

I have a whole team of doctors that take care of me.  They have one mission – keep me pregnant for as long as they can so that you can grow.  They have hammered it into my head that every day that I stay pregnant is four less days that you will be in the NICU.  The last eleven days I have been on an IV of a drug called Magnesium Sulfate to help slow the contractions.  All the other drugs have lost their effectiveness.  I thought I was on the highest dose.  When the doctor came to see me this morning he increased my dose once again.  I will not get to meet you today and I am so sad. 

I have never cried or complained to any of my doctors or nurses the whole time I have been here.  Today I cried.  I cried because I was disappointed. I cried because I was in so much pain.  I cried because I was exhausted.  I cried because I felt guilty.  How selfish of me to want you to be born any sooner?  I begged the doctor to at least give me something to settle my stomach and help me sleep. 

Daddy didn’t even go to work today.  He didn’t want to leave my side.  I am so glad he stayed.  Unfortunately the sleep meds didn’t work on me.  Instead of making me sleep they just made me delirious.  I would nod off for a minute then jolt up and feel like I had to go to the bathroom.  By the afternoon I couldn’t even walk without his help.

Four less days in the NICU…..Four less days in the NICU…..Four less days in the NICU….

Love,

Mommy