Miracle High

Life can be a series of highs and lows.  My life has certainly been a testament to that.  Met and married my wonderful husband Eric – High.  Tried to conceive for a couple of years, failed fertility treatments, surgery – Low.  Successfully got pregnant through IVF – HUGE High!  High risk Pregnancy that left me on bed rest for what felt like most of my pregnancy – Low.  Delivering premature but healthy twins – High/Low.  Six weeks being separated from them in the NICU – Low.

I could go on and on.  Today I wanted to tell you about one of my favorite Highs.  He is my little Miracle High.  Eric and I were told that there is absolutely no way that we could conceive.  That is why we went through IVF to conceive Ethan and Ella.  I have no doubt that it was indeed a fact.  As I said this is a Miracle High.

Here is an excerpt from my family blog in 2008:

“Ah I woke up just like the day before. I had no idea that this morning would change all our lives so much! Eric was getting ready for work and I was lying in bed watching Sports Center (his choice not mine). I remembered that I needed to call in a prescription that day. Before I could get it, I had to take a pregnancy test.  My cycle was running way too long and I needed to get on progesterone to get me back on track.  I always thought this was a funny thing for me of all people to have to do.  I mean we know I can’t get pregnant.  On top of that, I went back on birth control after I had Ethan and Ella.  I simply was taking it for convenience sake. Eric and I often laughed about what money we wasted on all those birth control pills early in our marriage.  So off I went to pee on my little stick. Unloaded the dishwasher, sat down and watched TV for a minute. Should I get the kids up? Oh no wait….better go check the test and get that out of the way.

I walked into the guest bath and looked at the test on the sink. Double take…..was that TWO lines? Huh? I must be seeing things. I hear Eric say something, so I thrown the hand towel over the test and jump back in bed. Eric says “Why do you look so weird?” I am still in shock so I say “just tired.” He goes back to the closet to finish getting dressed and I run back to the bathroom for a second look. Yes. Definitely 2 lines. How did this happen??? I mean I know how it happens for most, but not us! We were told that we couldn’t get pregnant on our own. Holy cow. Eric’s birthday is tomorrow. Boy can I have fun with this!!! I run upstairs to get the babies up and whisper my secret in their tiny ears.  I am pretty sure they smile.

Thankfully Eric leaves shortly after that. (I am told later that I am in MAJOR trouble for letting him go to work because he would have called in sick. Whoops :) I quickly call my mom, my sister, and Kristen. Kristen, my personal OB nurse, reassures me that the home tests are pretty accurate. Even so I have my mom come over so I can get an official blood test at the doctor’s office. I still don’t believe it. I go and look at the home test again.  Still 2 lines!  When I call the doctor’s office to get the test they act like I am crazy. “Mrs. Greer, we usually don’t do blood tests if you have a positive home test.” I reply “I know, but I don’t believe it. When can I come in?” I go in immediately, get my blood drawn, and pay to have the results to me stat.

All day I am avoiding calls from Eric and his sister, Amy. How in the world could I play this one off? I can’t even sit down I am so excited! I finally get the “official positive” test results from the doctor. Hallelujah! Praise God!! I check the home test one more time and finally throw it in the trash.

Now how in the world do I give Eric the total shock of his lifetime??? The way we found out we were pregnant with Ethan and Ella was so impersonal.  We called into a voicemail box and listened to a stranger tell us the good news.  Not that we minded one bit.  We were finally pregnant!!

I decided I would get the kids Big Brother and Big Sister T shirts, take their pictures in it, frame it, and give it to Eric for his birthday. Well I am not sure how many of you have tried to get a 16-month old kid to stand still so you can get a good picture of them.  Now throw in a second child.  It isn’t possible. Just take it from me. So I decided the next best thing was to just wrap up the shirts and let Eric open those.

We waited on pins and needles until Eric got home. Of course since we were anxiously awaiting him, he didn’t get home until after 7. After the kids bath, Eric read them a story and they just had to give their Daddy an early birthday present. He didn’t know it, but I was recording the whole thing : )

I turned the camera off right after I told him so we could all snuggles.  There were lots of happy tears  all around.  I was told later that Eric was thinking “Why in the world did she give me some shirts for the kids for my birthday?” Apparently what I thought was pretty plain isn’t plain to a man.”

A Year Ago....

In addition to being a writer, wife, and finally mother, I am also a preschool teacher.  Today was my first day back to school after a long summer off.  I was so excited to go back to see all the teachers that I love so much at WBWP.  A couple of these amazing ladies knew about my struggles, but the majority of them did not.  During 2013 Eric and I went through our second round of fertility treatments.  It was an incredibly rough time.  It was both physically and emotionally draining.  I went through two embryo transfers and had surgery all within a few months.  We went through all of this and most of the people in our lives had no clue any of it was going on.

I wrote "A Year Ago," through hiccups and tears as I was working through all my emotions.  I have a lot of painful memories from last year, but I was also able to see a lot of good.  God put people in my life to help me when I needed it most.  I shared this poem today with my fellow teachers.  I wanted them to know how grateful I was that they were there for me without even knowing it.  I also thought it was a good reminder that we never know what someone is going through in their lives.  A person may look to be perfectly put together but is just crumbling beneath the surface.  A warm smile, a kind word may be just what they need to get through the day.  Don't let that moment pass you by.

A Year Ago

A year ago….. I was going through my last invitro fertilization with my last 2 precious frozen embryos.

A year ago…I was recovering from a surgery to remove my fallopian tubes that was hopefully going to help heal my body so I could sustain a pregnancy.

A year ago….I was struggling just to keep up with life with 3 small kids.  I plastered on a tight-lipped smile as I stood at the meet the teacher social at Ethan & Ella’s school.  I was in so much pain by the time I got home that I went straight to bed and stayed there until morning.

A year ago….I was in CPR class with Kelly at in service at WBWP.  We were about to do the Heimlich maneuver and I had to quickly tell her that she couldn’t do it on me because I just had surgery.  God took the choice about keeping my struggles to myself out of my hands.  I am so thankful He did.

A year ago….I sat in Windy’s office and cried with her because I wanted my babies so bad.  God comforted me through Windy’s embrace and the prayers I knew she said for me.

A year ago….I had a lot of bad days, but you, ladies of WBWP, smiled at me in the hall, made me laugh and helped me forget about the bad stuff and remember all the wonderful stuff God has blessed me with.

A year ago….I thought about Matthew’s first day of Kindergarten in 2014 and my only thought was will I have a baby in a Baby Bjorn or will I have twins in a stroller with me?

A year ago God told me that I would not have any more children.  My embryos that I had loved….named …had seen grow up in my mind’s eye…Who would look like??? Ethan, Ella or Matthew????What combination of all of us would they be???   Well I will never see them this side of Heaven.

A year ago I grieved the babies that I thought God had planned for me and would never be.

Today I walked my last baby, Matthew, to Kindergarten.

Today I mourned my last baby growing into a big boy.

Today I watched his confidence and excitement as he walked through the doors of his new elementary school.  You, ladies of WBWP, helped him have that confidence and love for learning.

Today I am thankful that I get to go to work with a group of ladies that I know will love and pray for me.

Today I am thankful that I get the honor and privilege to love on babies.  They may have not come from my womb but God put them in my heart.

Seasons

I love living in Tennessee.  I love the mountains.  I love the valleys.  I love the lakes.  Of course I love the football.  I love enjoying four glorious seasons each year.  I love feeling the changes in seasons.  I love to feel the warm sunshine on my face after a long, cold Winter.  My favorite smell is the crisp Fall air after a sweltering Summer. 

In life we go through a lot of seasons.  The change in seasons in life isn’t always as pleasant.  This week I had a change in seasons.  The last eight years my season has been one of a mother who spent the majority of her day caring for and nurturing my three children.  This week, my youngest son, Matthew, started Kindergarten.  Sure my primary role will still be their caregiver.  However, the majority of our days we will be apart.

Last year when I thought about the day Matthew started Kindergarten, I wondered if I would be walking him in with his new baby sister or brother or would I need a double stroller for twins.  Today I walked my baby….my last baby….into Kindergarten and walked out alone.  The season of having my babies home with me is over.  There is no sunshine on my face or crisp smell that cheers me up.  I am sad and quite honestly lonely.

I have a choice I can make.   I can refuse to leave this season and take things into my own hands.  I could go through IVF again and possibly get pregnant again.  Or there are lots of babies that need a good home.  Maybe I could adopt?  But let’s be honest.  That baby would grow up and go to Kindergarten and this season would finally end.  If I could have my way, I would probably have a baby every five years until Eric finally cut me off!

I could just be bitter about it.  I could be angry.  I could cry.  A lot.  Why won’t God let me have the children I thought I would?  I had four embryos.  Couldn’t one of them have worked?  Why did He take away any remote chance for me to able to conceive when I had my surgery last year?

I have a confession to make.  I flirted with the first choice.  I camped out on the second choice for a good while too.  Then when I finished shaking my fist and yelling at God, I took a breath and I listened to God.  The change in seasons in life can be tough.  Sometimes down right scary.  We can refuse to accept it.  We can be pissed off about it.  But here’s the deal,  IT DOESN’T CHANGE A THING.

Here is the choice that I made. I chose to focus on the three beautiful, healthy children that God blessed me with.  I chose to be thankful for the amazing supportive husband that is in my life and make up for all the romance that infertility stole from our marriage.  I chose to continue to teach in a preschool so that I can share the abundant love that I have for children.  I chose to share my story…no matter how hard or private…because I know that there are women who are suffering alone.  I chose to praise God for the blessings and heartache.  The heartache helps me to remember to focus on all of the blessings that I do have.  The heartache helps me relate to other people.  The heartache makes me stronger so I can weather the next season.