Love Actually

Last night was one of my favorite times of the Christmas season.  Take the kids to pick out the over priced real Christmas tree Eric insists on having?  Check!  Take the kids to pick out their annual ornament. Check!  Take the kids to see the light show.  Check!!  But the one “Mama only” tradition happens when the kids are in bed and my sweet Eric is out late….pop the popcorn, pour the glass(es) of box wine and watch “Love Actually.”  My favorite movie of all time, but for some reason I only watch it at Christmastime.

You see this handsome guy in the picture above.  He is the best thing that ever happened to me.  Yea.  Yea.  I know sappy.  But really I have the best, most supportive husband in the world.

We are complete opposites.  It is easy to look at the two of us on the surface and see how different we are. When we met we were in college at University of Tennessee.  He was a good old redneck from West Tennessee and I was a city girl who had never been further west than Nashville.  Before we started dating, I am ashamed to say that I had only been to a hand full of football games in my whole life.  Eric had probably only missed a hand full of games in his lifetime.  He prefers to wear a good broken in t-shirt with some camo.  I am perpetually accused of being over dressed.  He drives a big, manly black truck.  While I drive spiffy, red SUV with stick figures on the side.  (annoying I know, but I worked hard for those miniature stick figures!!)

Now that we are married, we are unusual in that we only watch TV together at night.  There is no parting of ways at night for me to watch “Dancing with the Stars” and he to watch SportsCenter.  We always watch shows that we will enjoy together.  We have a chair and a half that fits us perfectly.  We always pick a show that we both will agree upon and snuggle … 24, Blue Blood, Hawaii 5-0, Blacklist.  I love that we spend our night relaxing together and would not change a thing.

All that being said, oh my, am I so grateful for a night of my Rom-Com??   I LOVE “Love Acutally!”  I love the humor.    I love the British accent.  I love Hugh Grant.  I love the huge romance.  The prime minister goes all down the “dodgy” parts of London to find his Natalie.  Jamie learns Portuguese to woe Auerelia.  I love that Mark goes out of his way to make the wedding special for his love knowing he can never have her.

Eric actually surprised me and came home a little early so he watched the last part of the movie with me.  He laughed and enjoyed it.   So often we watch movies and read books and over romanticize life.  I was reminded what “Love Actually” really is….

·      A man that came home early from a party to watch a cheesy movie with me….

·      A man that loved me through all the hundreds of shots, tears, and pain of infertility….

·      A man that sleeps on a pleather pullout couch for 84 days of my bed rest in the hospital because he doesn’t want me to be alone…..

·      A man that stops and buys me a Sonic Diet Coke every time he passes one because he knows I like them best...

·      A man who isn’t entirely comfortable with expressing his feelings.  However, when I tell him that I want to write a book, he not only supports me but WRITES A WHOLE CHAPTER FROM THE MALE POINT OF VIEW!

That is right!  Eric, my very private husband wrote an entire chapter about his experience with infertility.  Reading his words brought me to tears.  I never knew how infertility affected him until I read his thoughtful words.  Getting a glimpse into his heart was worth writing the book in itself even if I never sold a single book.  

I strongly encourage anyone that is dealing with infertility to read what he has to say.  It will really help you understand what your spouse is thinking and feeling.  Then when you are done, you can let him read it so he can better understand how you are feeling!!! ;)

Full Heart Empty Womb available today exclusively through Amazon.com

www.amazon.com/dp/1503370879

And just to brighten your day….. a little Hugh…..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBDEN5AFmWU

Paperback available NOW!!!!!!!!!

Hey do you see that about 50 yards back?  Yeah.  That is my comfort zone.  I have been tiptoeing away from my comfort zone since April of this year.  That was when I decided to write a book about my battle with infertility.   And here I am eight months later and I actually published my book, “Full Heart Empty Womb.”   The paperback is available NOW and the e-book will be available next Tuesday, December 16 on amazon.com.  Here is the link to it:  http://www.amazon.com/Full-Heart-Empty-Womb-Infertility/dp/1503370879

This former business-person turned stay-at-home mom turned part time preschool teacher turned AUTHOR?   Makes perfect sense, right???  If you had told me this time last year that I was going to write a book helping people who struggle with Infertility, I would have laughed in your face. I was broken.  How could I help anyone?  But you see through writing my story, God healed me.  What seemed to never make sense to me was made crystal clear through the writing process.

My hope and prayer is that this book can get in the hands of as many people who are dealing with Infertility as possible.  No one should feel like they are dealing with this alone.   There are countless books out there that can try to tell you how to get pregnant quicker.  How many are there that will tell you how to take care of YOU and your heart in the process?

Here is where I am going to step out of my comfort zone even more.  And maybe ask you to step out of yours a bit too.  I need you to share with your friends about my book.  One in eight couples deals with infertility.  That is staggering!!  Since I have become more open about my struggles, I have heard from so many people who dealt with it too.  I would say that the huge statistic is dead on.  I absolutely guarantee that there are many of your friends that are dealing with it or have loved ones that are.  The majority of those people are dealing with it completely in silence.  Let me be their friend.  Let me be there for them through the comfort of my words, experiences and wisdom that I have gained on my journey.

So yeah.  Now I am about 100 yards from my comfort zone.

Ramblings of an insomniac who just got her PROOF BOOK!!!!!

I got my proof copy of my book today.  I pulled it out of the mailbox exactly seven hours ago.  I quickly snapped a picture to share because I was soooo excited.  The kids were excited too.  Ethan yelled, "Mommy's book is published!!"  I told him that it wasn't quite yet, but we were one step closer.  The kids are so excited about my book.  They really don't know what it is about, but they are excited nonetheless.  I have just told them that Mommy wrote a book to help people.  They really like to think that their Mommy is going to be famous like J.K Rowling though ;)

Then I carefully put it aside away from juice boxes and goldfish to help with homework and spelling tests.  As soon as I finish that, it was time for supper and baths.  I am not complaining at all.  It is my life and I am eternally grateful.  But I really wanted to yell, "Seriously!!  6 pm is not to early for bed tonight!!!"

Tonight was also book club night.  We meet at my house every couple of weeks.  We haven't read a book in over a year, but shush, don't tell our husbands!  After numerous yawns and "so to wrap this ups," my sweet friends went on their way.  I imagine they are all snuggled up sleeping in their beds now.  

I should have gone to bed but I knew I would just lay there thinking about all the things I needed to do, so I decided to work with the adrenaline and hop to it.  I immediately ran to my proof book and laptop ready to work.  I knew that self publishing would be some work, but I underestimated how much work it would be for a newbie like me.  And tedious.  Good night!!  If I did not love my little laptop so much, I would have drop kicked it out the window a dozen times.  But finally after 2.5 hours of my eyes crossing, I think I have the interior the way I want it.  No widows....no orphans....(what the hell is that???  be grateful you don't know!)  And don't tell Eric, but he is gonna fix the page number headache when he wakes in a few short hours.  Click here, Click there and it should be live soon.....or so they lead you to believe!

But the sweetest time was when the crazy wore off and I just sat and held my book.  I sat and looked at our hands on the cover of the book.  This is my life...our life.  My proof book now has a few tear stains on it now.  But they are happy tears.  God is going to take our pain and help other people who are hurting.  What is more beautiful than that?

Book Update

It was a cold, rainy Sunday here in Tennessee.  The kind of day where you shed your church clothes as soon as you get home in favor of comfy clothes.  I put on my 20 year old well worn, well loved University of Tennessee sweatshirt, yoga pants and big, thick socks.  Now I just had to curl up on the couch and publish a good book :)

Well not quite publish yet, but I am a heck of a lot closer!  I finished writing Full Heart Empty Womb about a month ago.  There has been a lot that I had to do before I could start the publishing process.  In the book I mention by name my OB and my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist aka infertility doc).  Of course I had to share with them the book and get their permission before I moved forward.  My OB, Dr. Mary Anne Blake, we just so flattered that I included her.  This week I got the blessing from my RE, Dr. Christine Whitworth, of Nashville Fertility Center.  

I have decided to self publish.  I will publish a paperback book and ebook that will be available exclusively through amazon.com.  The decision to self publish was an easy one for me.  This book is my blood, sweat and tears.  It is quite literally my life.  I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but I have a very clear picture in my head of exactly how this book was going to be. 

One of the many things I love about doing this on my own is that I get to make make my creative team.  My friend, Rachael, contacted me as soon as she heard I was writing this book.  She walked part of this journey with me, so she wanted help edit it.  She did such a great job cleaning me up and making me look like a real writer.   I have a good friend, Ginger, that takes the most amazing pictures.  I had her take family pictures this Fall for us.  I also had her take the picture that I used for the book cover.  I had a very specific idea for a cover.  I wanted it to be our hands.  It turned out beautiful.  I was then able to give the picture to my friend, Ashley, who happens to be a freelance graphic designer.  Ashley is creating my book covers for both book formats.  Here is a sneak peak:

So today I spent the afternoon in my comfy clothes doing the very un-fun job of typesetting my book for the paperback.  Talk about tedious!!!  But it is exciting because THIS REALLY IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!  I have my ISBN and everything people!  I don't have an exact publish date, but I am aiming for mid December.  Stay Tuned!!

Happy Holidays????

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this time of year.  As soon as the Halloween decorations are put up, I am ready to load my Christmas playlist on my iPhone.  I have so much Christmas music that I could play it constantly for a week and never listen to a song twice.  Don’t tell Eric, but I completely plan on putting out all my Christmas decorations next week while he is at work.  (We aren’t celebrating Thanksgiving at our house, so technically I am not “skipping a holiday” like he likes to claim ;)  Each night after we put the kids to bed, we watch cheesy Christmas movies on Hallmark or Lifetime.  I could never get Eric to watch a Lifetime movie any other time of the year.   It is the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Full of happiness, cheer and all that jazz….

It wasn’t until I was struggling with infertility that the “most wonderful time of the year” turned into the worst.  It was a time when I would want to go to bed and wake up after the New Year.   Why is that, you wonder??  Similar to how someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, people who are infertile are grieving the child that they want desperately in their life.  If you are blessed enough to not have even had to deal with infertility, then hopefully this will help you have some insight into how hard the holidays are for infertile people.  Hopefully, it will help you be a bit more sensitive to their very real, raw feelings.

Thanksgiving.  A time when you, hopefully, are able to sit around the table with your family.  It is a day that you can focus on all the many blessings that you have in your life.  But what if the one thing that you desire most is out of your reach?  What if you are at the adult table staring at the kid table wondering, “When is it my turn?”  Ironically, the main topic of conversation at said adult table is….kids.  What can you add to the conversation?  The failed cycles?  The horrible side effects from the evil fertility drugs?  The nights you spend crying yourself to sleep?  Sure.  Go ahead and put on that “Hello My Name is:  WET BLANKET” sticker on your shirt!  There will be updates on friends and family.  Judy is pregnant.  Susie just had a baby.  And Lisa just had her 5^th baby!!  Each one is like a dagger to your aching heart.  You may even hear one of your family members saying how thankful they are to be able to send their kids to another table so they can have some peace and quiet.  (Believe me as a mother of three now…I GET IT!! But it still hurts to hear.)  Your heart breaks because you would give anything to have every second of your day consumed with a precious child. Do they realize what a blessing they have?  You try hard to focus on the blessings you have in your life.  However, the hole in your heart that only a child can fill feels so hollow today.  Will it be filled by next Thanksgiving?

Christmas.  Last year it started before the holiday.  I was ordering my Christmas cards.  I had it all planned out.  The cute Christmas card with a clever pregnancy announcement all in one.  It was going to be so precious.  But things didn’t go according to my plan.  After nearly a year of fertility treatments, there was no announcement to be made.  I just had a broken heart that no one even knew about.

As much as this holiday should be focused on Jesus’ birth, it is still very much centered around Santa and children.  I am blessed to have a close knit family and love to be around them.  I am proud to call myself Aunt Teppie to six nieces and nephews.  As much as I love them, it wasn’t always easy to be around them.  I would spend all day with my game face on.  My smile plastered on my face and ready to play.  I would fight the thoughts about wishing I had one of my own.  I would smile and give a trite answer when asked when Eric and I were going to have one of our own.  “Our kids are going to be so far apart in age that they won’t be close!!”  “I’m trying the best I can!!”  I would scream in my head as I smiled and shrugged.

At night, I would be exhausted from playing the happy Aunt Teppie all day.  I was emotionally drained.  How long would I just be Aunt Teppie?  When would it be my turn to be Mommy?  I wanted to be up late at night wrapping baby dolls and toy cars.  I wanted to have silly fights with Eric about how to put together the $@$% play kitchen.  I wanted to have my baby on my knee reading “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” for the umpteenth time.  Would it be different next Christmas?  Last Christmas I was sure I would have a baby by now.  Will it ever happen?

Oh then New Years.  Did I even want to reflect on the last year?  Failed cycle after failed cycle.  Ups and downs.  Waiting for test results. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for an appointment.  Waiting for another cycle.  Hadn’t I wished away the better part of the last year?  Would next year be any different?   

Now, however, New Year’s also gives me a bit of hope.  When I think back two years ago to New Year’s, Eric and I were energized.  We were about to start fertility treatments with our frozen embryos affectionately called our “totsicles.”  We couldn’t wait to see what God had in store for us because in our mind it meant a baby or even babies!!  Unfortunately, instead of a baby it was a year of pain and sadness.  By the time New Year’s rolled around, we were ready to throw a party to declare “So long 2012.  Don’t let the door hit you in the….” 

Now a year later I am getting ready to publish my first book about my journey and what I learned along the way.  I hope and pray that it helps others that are on the journey of infertility.  I feel that same energy I felt a couple of years ago but about a completely different journey.  God did have a plan for me.  I never in a million years would have dreamed two years ago that this was His plan for me.  So my message for you is to stay strong.  When you go to bed feeling emotionally drained, pray.  Pray for strength.  Pray for patience.  Pray for clarity about all the choices you are faced with every day.  God loves you and hears you.  He will give you the strength that you need.

You may not find out what the plan is for you and your family for a few months or even year but there is a plan for you.  You may be celebrating New Year’s in a year or two and have a better reality than you could have ever dreamed of….

Spesties Forever!!

Last Friday was my little miracle babies 8^th birthday.  I was able to go eat lunch with them in the school cafeteria.  They each got to choose one person to eat with at a special table.  Ella picked one of her buddies that she has had class with the last couple of years.  Elliott quickly informed me that he and Ella were “spesties.”  That would be special best friends.  I watched them giggle and tell jokes through all lunch.  It was so sweet.  Spesties Forever.

This weekend I got to enjoy time with my bestie, BFF, or what I now refer to as my spestie.  She flew all the way from New York just to spend the weekend with little ole me.  Jodi and I have been friends since we met at University of Tennessee in the late 90s.  We were both in the same sorority and became fast friends.  Little did we know then what a special friendship that God had blessed us with.  Sure we had the typical college crazy nights.  We hit band parties.  We went to see Vanilla Ice on the Strip.  (This was after he was cool and before he was into DIY)  And we enjoyed the hell out of every one of our friends' weddings together.

It wasn’t until we hit the next phase in our life that we really saw what our friendship was made of.  You know the phase….when instead of getting a wedding announcement every week, you start getting pregnancy announcements.  When I was diagnosed as being infertile, every one of those announcements was like salt in a deep, painful wound.  Jodi was always there for me.  She didn’t throw trite words at me.  She just listened to me cry.  She agreed that it sucked and wasn’t fair.  Most importantly, she prayed for me.

This weekend we pretty much chilled just the two of us with my kids.  It was a sweet time to relax and catch up.  I was thrilled that she got a chance to get to know my little miracles that she helped pray into this world.  And I loved that my kids got to know a friend that I love so much.  They got to see an example of what true friendship is all about.  We are there for each other.  We care about each other.  We make staying connected a priority. 

Today we had the afternoon to ourselves so we went to see the latest Nicholas Sparks movie “Best of Me.”  The fact that I sat through that movie shows how much I love Jodi.  I have a strict “No Crying” rule for my entertainment.  Give me action.  Give me a comedy.  I want no part of anything that is going to make me cry.  In fact if I have seen a movie that makes me cry, I will either never watch it again or I will skip the sad part all together.  I can’t tell you how many times I have watched the first VHS tape of “Titantic.”  I am perfectly happy with Jack and Rose finding love and the ship never hits that iceberg.   At one point in the movie today, I looked over at Jodi with tears falling down my cheeks and snot running out my nose and said, “This is just miserable!!”  She laughed and said, “Oh the bad part hasn’t even happened yet!”  What the hell!!??  Why do people voluntarily do this to themselves??!!!

I find it incredibly ironic that the first thing anyone says when they read part of my book is that they cried.  Me – the ultimate Anti Crier – has written a book that makes people cry.  I always apologize and am almost always assured they are good tears.  I hate that people cry but infertility is sad.  It is heartbreaking for people who are going through it.  And unfortunately because no one talks about it, infertility is also quite misunderstood.  My hope, my prayer for my book is that it not only helps those who are struggling with infertility, but that can give a glimpse of understanding to those who are not.  Perhaps through some tears there can be healing or a glimpse into someone else’s pain.

And for the record….I so called the ending of the movie.